Camille leblancBazinet. photo by Krista Martin
Julie Foucher, (Hyperfit USA), at the Reebok 2012 Crossfit Games.
You know those days when everything goes beyond control and it feels like you’re standing next to yourself watching your life go totally weird and crazy?
Welcome to my world.
The last few weeks were a mess. After a long rest of 9 to 10 weeks because of overtraining and periostitis I tried to get back on track but struggled a lot with motivation and depression. My problems seemed to take control about everything in my life.
There is this narrow path between not taking things too serious and being disciplined enough to get better. If I focus too much on training and don’t give myself enough quality time (hanging with friends and stuff), I get sick and burned out. If I get too loosey-goosey with my free time, skip training, meet people, drink alcohol, get wild, I lose all my structure that I need for my daily routine. I know it’s important to find a good balance between these two things but this isn’t always easy, even less when you stuggle with daily life and tend to let yourself be easily distracted from your problems. Thus my life is currently like a rollercoaster, an uncontrolled daily up and down. It’s a war between head and heart, feelings vs. thoughts, anxiety against freedom. I knew recovery wouldn’t be easy but this is so damn hard! And then there are days where I’m just lethargic and overwhelmed by myself. On these days I’m not able to move or even live a normal life. I’m like dead.
I never had the problem of not having enough motivation to go to the box on sunday mornings or after a long and hard working day. CrossFit was my passion. I loved it! But for a few weeks I’m afraid. I’m scared of going outside my comfort zone, of failing, of other people judging me because I’m not good enough, that my form is not perfect, that I’m just weak. It feels like all my love, my spirit, my gains and achievements are gone and it really makes me sad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still into CrossFit but our relationship is currently complicated and sometimes I think about giving up. But there is this tiny little flame inside of me that still burns, that yells at me to fight, to go and fuck this whole damn shit soup called anxiety, depression and self doubt.
"Brace yourself! Get you big butt to the box and rock this WOD! Fight!" it yells.
And I say “YES!” I will give my best to get back!
Carrie Sandoval, Lake Powell, AZ.